Today I woke up with my husband's arms around me. I felt wrapped in the love of friends and family in three time zones..
Before I went into surgery I took the risk of asking the anesthesiologist to recite three positive statements as I went into and out of my general anasthetic. They were: My surgery will go well and my body will begin to heal immediately. My surgeon will find all the carcinomas and extract them cleanly. When I wake up I will feel happy and be able to speak, swallow, laugh and go to the bathroom. (This last revealing my true inner peasant.)
I don't know what did it but I came out of surgery feeling better than I have in ages. I decided I'd like to go home and enjoy the company of my family. My doctor said that would be fine. Within hours I was lying on my couch, getting foot rubs from my friend Umi and then Julianna while Jane massaged my temples and told me how wonderful I was. John built a fire, my sister and brother made me laugh, my daughter sparkled as always, and I felt my life couldn't be more complete than that. My surgeon called and checked on me, and told me, incidentally, that he was reading DIANA LIVELY and really enjoying it. I think that might have been when I asked him to marry me. As my sister, the nurse, said, "Are you sure he's a real surgeon? He's way too nice."
I keep wondering if I might be dreaming, since I feel no worse today than if I had a minor sore throat. Better yet, my usual state of guilt about the world and what I should be doing to improve it has lifted to allow me to simply be. My new religion is this: we can ask for good wishes to be sent, and the healing energy of love is even better than the superbly miraculous state of modern pharmaceuticals. For all of you out there who've emailed and prayed and sent me smoothie recipes and promised to kiss my neck, bless you. There is a god and s/he lives in the quantum mechanics of hope and grace winging their way towards those we love.
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